TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically noted for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely out of position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let's have One more position where by American men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: supply Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should really quit making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed Trump Tower Damascus that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not merely unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Features


Probably the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which company may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "When you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Without end."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "exactly where's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting focus from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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